I ought not control what I have

I am stupid, small, weak, have a history of poor choices, and will probably die soon.

I know all of this, it's not like some well kept secret; so why do I still hesitate to give God what I have? I'm not going to build a maxed out FreeNAS box for the exclusive use of my cat. The cat doesn't care that it has 16GB of RAM or 10TB of stripped and redundant storage. It might sleep on the case in the winter, but otherwise won't care. Less than being grateful for it, its hair will clog up the fans and overhead the processors.

When then do I think I can use my body and brain better than God can? I have probably spent more time thinking up fast jokes than I have serving God. What has that gotten me? What do I have to show for all of the times I've REPLAYED Neverwinter Nights? If my assets were my children, CPA would have taken them away years ago.

Why don't I trust God with all that I have? Because I'm afraid of leaping into what I don't understand? I don't understand ANYTHING! I don't know how gravity works, which I've been surrounded by since before I was born. I've been using Linux on and off for almost half of my life now, but I still can't compile software without occasionally ending up in dependency heck. I don't understand what I'M doing with my life, how is that any different than not knowing what God wants to do? Am I afraid of leaping into God's will, but perfectly comfortable falling blindly into mine?

Further proving how dumb I am and therefore how woefully inadequate I am to manage my own resources, I still don't want to give God me.

And that's it. I don't have anything else. Hopefully the lack of a happy ending means that this story isn't over yet. Hopefully the God of second chances will give me my next mole of mulligans. I am left praying for forgiveness for a crime I'm already planning again. I don't deserve to speak to God, let alone request of Him. I'd like to end this entry with resolve to fix me, but I'm still too weak and stupid to do it. I still contend that more information would force everyone to love and serve God. It's a shame that my tiny, mishandled brain is probably incapable of knowing that much of anything. I can only pray for faith, and hope that God doesn't give up as easily as I do.